Freshen Up

I get urges for change every so often, and if those urges are not met, I tend to get broody and sullen.

Last year we painted the house, the kitchen, the cabinets, and both bathrooms.

This year I thought a little less painting was in order!!

Last year might have put Brent over the edge a bit!!

 

I have both of my granny's old dressers.

They are 50 years old and made by Bassett.

They are pieces from the good old days when things were made to LAST.

These things could quite possibly survive a nuclear blast!!

They started out a pearly 1965 white.

My dad painted them both white for me and my sister after we inherited them.

The paint was starting to look dingy and faded.

SO!!!

 

 I painted this dresser PINK.

It's....bright!!

I might have to find a way to glaze or texture it.

That's a lot of pink!!

But it's fresh and perfect for 2 cute little girls!!

 

I painted this one red and then glazed it with a dark stain.

And when I say I, I mean my mom!!

I did the base red paint but my mom did the hard work!!

She put the stain on and worked it and finished it for me.

She excels at those things, where I do NOT.

She insists it's not hard, but I do not believe her.

 

I have been mollified in my need to change something.

For now.



My Little Chicken

Scarlet started her class in January and I am SO SO glad we decided to look into it.

She is doing better.

Is she perfect?

No.

Does she have bad days?

Yes.

Is she ready to be exited out?

No.

But she is BETTER!!

I can see all the sweetness I knew she had inside starting to blossom.

She hugs and kisses me and tells me "I love you".

She's learning and has little friends.

I am so excited for her and I am filled with relief!!

 

 My children are always welcome to come to my room at night.

I actually leave a blanket and extra pillow on the floor, and sometimes I wake up in the morning to a little girl snuggled into a nest.

They don't wake me up, they know the drill, it is peaceful!!

Traditional?

Maybe no.

But I have never been traditional when it comes to raising my little chickens.

They are a unique and exotic breed!!

 

Scarlet's new favorite thing is to come in after she hears her daddy leave for work.

She quietly sneaks to his side of the bed, slithers beneath the blankets, and promptly goes back to sleep.

 

We are still working on understanding emotions.

She is doing better!!

But she still needs prompting and redirection.

In her defense, sometimes so do I!!!

Today her solution to finding somewhere else to throw a fit, besides near me:

 the shell of solitude.

I started laughing so hard when I discovered it, that her fit promptly dissolved.

I love my little girls.

They are challenging but they are also very sweet.



My Mother's Day

Mother's Day is next weekend, but Brent couldn't get that day off.

So we celebrated this Sunday!!

On Friday, Brent took me shopping.

Because one of my New Year Resolution was to not buy any clothing for 2015,

I tricked him, and bought HIM clothes!!

Mwuhahahaha!!

Brent hasn't bought new clothes in around 10 years, so it was exhilarating!!

He now does not look like a homeless person.

 

I did buy myself a purse.

I thought it was a good one for summer.

 Brent ordered me these stackable rings from The Vintage Pearl.

I LOVE that site.

It has the most unique and beautiful customized jewelry.

 

He took the girls down to the store and had them pick something out for me.

Ella chose red roses, because red is my favorite color.

Scarlet chose the sunflowers because we grew some in our back yard.

I stuffed them all in one vase and it turned out pretty!!

They picked out the biggest balloon I've ever seen!!

The sweet, excited looks on their little faces are worth every moment this giant balloon shrilly sings to me!!

They made me little cards and Ella composed me a little song.

They so sweet.

I felt very loved and appreciated this weekend, and that is all I ever really want from them anyway.

I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be a mother.

Some days I want to crawl in a whole and hide and cry.

But the little moments add up and I am so happy to have my little family and my wonderful husband.



May Day

The long standing Moapa Valley tradition of May Day was upon us yesterday.

My father in law said 89 years. (?)

While I love long standing valley traditions, and I do love May Day,

am I the only parent who is just ready to cry until it their own child's turn!?

 

 Scarlet got to dance a Hawaiian themed danced to the Lilo and Stitch song.

She was so adorable and I wanted to burst into tears!!

My baby!!

 

 

 Ella got to do the Move it Move it dance.

She's been practicing it since Jara did it two years ago!!

 

 It was fun and all the little darlings did their very best.

And I was excited Brent got to be there!!

AND

I'm so excited school is almost over!!

 



When Life Kicks You in the Teeth......Or More Accurately, the Eye

Last Wednesday my contact didn't seem to want to sit on my eye right.

The next 4 days progressed to not being able to wear my contact at all.

My eye wasn't red.

Just one red line ran threw the far side of it.

Brilliantly red, but nothing remarkable.

It didn't hurt, as long as I kept my contact out, but I HATE wearing glasses.

So Monday morning I went to my eye doctor to see what was burdening my fussy orb.

I figured I scratched it.

Or splashed bathroom cleaner in it.

Or maybe I rubbed it too hard in my sleep.

 

He took a long time studying it.

That's never a good sign.

When the doctor studies something,

and then looks at the other side,

and then back again,

and then from a different angle.

 

He told me my eye had an aggressive, fast moving, highly contagious virus.

It was the chicken pox virus.

It had laid dormant, quiet and forgotten, until it decided to manifest itself in my eye.

Like shingles can show up decades later.

 

It would 1 of 2 things;

kill itself,

or rapidly move across my eye, destroying my sight and scarring my eyeball.

I could lose my sight or at worst case scenario, my eye.

 

It was very early in the stages of the disease.

A good thing.

Because it irritated my contact, I immediately knew something was amiss. 

If it decided not to kill itself, it could be treated with a drug similar to chemo.

But there would still be some damage to the eye.

I had to go home and wait 48 hours for the virus to decide what it wanted to do.

If it was shrinking, it would die and I could go back to contacts and a normal existence on Monday.

If it had grown "roots", I had to start treatment and hope the best for my eye.

 

48 hours is a long time to think about what it would be like to lose one's sight.

But Wednesday's appointment revealed the virus was shrinking and my eye would be spared.

I am grateful my eye is mending and on its way back to normal.

I will never take my sight, however poor without contacts, for granted again.



Irises

My Aunt currently resides in the house that was originally my granny and grandpa's.

About 5 years ago, a few years after granny's death, my Aunt had a drunk driver plow into the front planter of the house.

Dozens of decade old iris bulbs came spilling out.

She was generous to share with me!!

We planted at our old house and they never bloomed.

Green spears would come up, but no flower.

We moved to the house we're in now and still no bloom.

Only green spears.

I held hope in my heart that one day the old things would produce a flower, but if nothing else, they were at least something green!!

 

 Well my friends, after 5 years of waiting, I found buds!!

 

 And my granny's irises bloomed!!

 

Their delicate petals have unfurled and I feel a lingering spirit of her whenever I look at them.

I go out in our lovely grass, lay down a blanket,

and just gaze at them.



Description of Panic

If you have never had a panic attack, let me describe it for you.

Remember when you were a child, and you had to run the trash out to the big can outside? And it was winter so the sun set early? Everything was still and peaceful and nothing seemed wrong. Then, all of a sudden, you hear a snap, or a rustle. What was that sound? Trying to shake off the feeling of fear you continue out to the trash can, which your dad keeps clear out by the garage. Another rustle. Close by. You feel that quick jolt to your stomach, a nice bolt of adrenaline. You quicken your pace and quickly hurl the trash into the can. Your heart is pounding, making it hard to hear the little sounds. You thought you heard something, but did you? Your breathing is so loud, you try to hold it, you hold it for a second to hear. It’s so dark outside. Wasn’t the night just peaceful? Now it’s so dark. You turn and start to hurry back to the safety of the house, another noise, something close. You speed your pace, trying to remain calm, but eager to return to safety. And then all of a sudden, your imagination whirls forth an image of what might be right behind you. A monster. A hideous, fanged beast with claws. Or a demon. A great devouring demon with his glowing eyes. Right. On. You. You break into a run. Running as fast as you can and as hard as you can. You’re afraid to look back. Your chest constricts and your lungs hurt. Your throat closes and you fight for every breath that pulls into your lungs.

Now as child, you reach the safety of your home, slam the door behind you, and you’re safe. The house is warm, there is no monster. And your brain reminds you how silly your imagination can be.

 

But you’re not a child. You have panic disorder, or anxiety.

And you run to the house, swing open the door, and see it’s full of monsters. Everywhere. Just within reach. And the demon is still behind you. And everyone is telling you to remain calm and to breathe. But there they are!! The demons and the monsters and EVERY FEAR YOU'VE EVER HAD!! And they’re pulling you down to the dark floor. And your own brain splits in half. The logical side is telling you everything is going to be ok, but the illogical side is telling you, you are going to die. And not in a silly, I ate too many cookies, or that work out was hard, I’m going to die. Literally you think you are dragging in your last breath. But you don’t even have the privilege of a last breath. You’re clutching your chest and sobbing and a deep sense of impending doom is suffocating any thought you have ever had. Your brain halves start to fight with each other. You are going to die here, on the floor with the monsters. Their claws pressing into your chest and curling around your throat.

And then you burst into tears. Tears pour down your face and your eyes close and can’t open. And suddenly a ragged sob catches and brings in a desperate breath. Begging words fall incoherently from your lips as you beg for help. Something is after you!! It’s inside you!! That monster, that demon. Your brain is still fighting with each other. And you just want it to be quiet so the monsters can’t hear it. But another sob comes and another. And your adrenaline is expressed to every end of every nerve and you start to shake.

And finally you force your eyes open. There are no monsters. You finally pull air into your chest and it expands. Your choking throat eases. The shaking stops and you collapse. You lay there, your eyes

opening and closing. Still not ready to trust the calm. Where did the demon go? Where did it come from? When will it be back? And everyone tells you not to ask those questions. You have to make yourself not be afraid. And you quietly whisper how hard you’re trying.

The calm settles a little more, and everything hurts. Your neck is sore, your throat is sore. Your chest is tight and your lungs don’t seem to know their proper function. You have to remind them what to do. The terrible episode ends. And you lay there. Tired. But you’re not allowed to be tired. You have to live!! There is work to be done, and children to be fed, and clothes to be washed.

Ever so slowly you rise up, and cautiously look around. No one else saw those monsters. No one knows your brain can’t get along with itself. You press your hand to your chest, to make sure it’s rising and falling. And you take a step away from the darkness. Back into the house. And hope the trash doesn’t need to go out for a while.