Pink

This is just a cute picture, even if you can see all the veins in her head!! And she's frowning again!

Ella has a special blanket that she has to have with her almost always. His name is Pink. He is a scrap piece of white fleece with pink flowers all over it. I try to sneak pink away when it is wash day, but some times she catches me!! She is so sad waiting for him to come out of the wash!!

But if I don't wash him, he is smelly, dirty and crispy!! Not to mention germ filled!! Poor Ella watches all the minutes count down on the washer, helps me load the dryer, and asks me every few minutes, "How much time left?" until the buzzer goes off and her and pink are reunited. Then she sings the 'Pink is clean' song. She loves her Pink!!

Around Here

Scarlet is tiny and has chicken legs. She also hates the camera and frowns before every picture! We took her to the doctor in Friday, just for a follow up from the hospital. She is 5lbs 15oz and 18 1/4 in long. To us she seems so much bigger!

Ella has been doing a lot of this (watching cartoons) lately. I could act like I care, but I don't!!

I don't like having babies in my room, I hear every little noise and I can't sleep and I just worry about it. So we put Scarlet in her crib, but it's ALL the way down the hall. Brent graciously agreed with me and moved our extra mattress to the room next to hers. It's our computer room. This way I am close but I can't here every little sigh and whimper. So far it has worked great!

This is the only person in the house hold who feels like they are suffering neglect. Poor kitty has been outside more than usual and hasn't got to sleep in some one's lap for awhile.

She officially fits into her preemie clothes and we are working toward newborn size!! They drown her and I have to roll back the sleeves 3 times. Please ignore how crappy I look, I'm still adjusting to lack of sleep!! Seriously haven't done my hair in a week!! And I don't even care!!!

Scarlet

So far everything is good! She eats, poops, and sleeps. She's more active at night, but her activeness consists of grunting and flailing. I just lay her down and go back to sleep!

Ella is being very sweet. Hopefully she continues to like Scarlet and not decide she's a threat!

It's strange to have her home. I haven't been pregnant for over 4 weeks, so I'm starting to think about dieting and exercising again, and all the other things you get back to after a baby. But she just barely got home, so the lack of sleep has just barely set in, instead of starting to level out! The lack of sleep isn't Scarlet's fault either. It's mine!! She's in our room so every little sound I lift my head to look at her. I have to make sure she's still breathing!! :)

Good News

Scarlet is home!! Pictures later.

Adventures

I know I said I wouldn't post again until Scarlet came home. Well, I lied!!

They took out her icky feeding tube. The red mark on her cheek is from the tape that held it on.

I am anxious to dress her in proper clothes and not in plain, ugly hospital ones. Her preemie diapers are still too big!!

Poor Molly was recently introduced to sock bonnets. Ella thought she needed a hat and this is what was devised. Molly's a good sport. (The 'hat' is the top of a black tube sock cut off from the rest of the sock)

Daddy was incharge of bath time and did not realize what a jetted tub will do to bubble bath.

The experience was thoroughly enjoyed!!

Ella loves laundry fresh out of the dryer. Summer or winter she wants to curl up in the warm clothes.

I'd like to thank everyone for supporting me in my time of need/ bitterness/sadness/fear. I appreciate it very much!!

There is no news

Last week we had a positive outlook. This week not so much. On Saturday Scarlet had a set back. Her belly bloated up and her doctors were worried she had an infection. After almost 3 days of blood tests and X rays, it was determined she had gas. It was very discouraging, so I haven't wanted to post. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to sound too pathetic or ungrateful, but I am starting to lose my ability to stay positive and get excited for any progression.

Every one has asked me how I am, and I will give you the answer. I don't want this to come across as pety, or bitchy, because it's not. I'm not ungrateful or angry or jealous. I do not seek attention or desire pity. I am simply describing my experience.

This has been the most terrible experience of my life. And to be honest, I have been through some $%*@ in my life. I have never felt such helplessness and heartache. I have never been so frusterated and consumed by my need to act. It is difficult to describe how hard it is to watch your defenseless infant struggle. To watch her be stabbed with needles for blood. To stare longingly through the plexi glass of her pod, but not be allowed to touch her for weeks. To not have the oppurtunity or option to hold her, or touch her, or to stop her from crying. To watch a stranger comfort her. To see her weak and watch her cry.

I am heart broken. Yes I know this will end. I know it will resolve and she will come home. But the journey from the beginning to end is a long, hard one.

Do I feel sorry for myself. No. I'm just sad. I don't ask, 'why me'. I know it could be much worse and I'm grateful it's not. I have seen babies come through the NICU with heart problems, one with limbs missing and some that can't breath on their own. I even watched a little boy cling to life and found out later he couldn't cling any longer. He slipped from the world through the night.

I am ready for my family to be together. I'm ready for the emotional upheaval to end. I'm ready for the uncertainty to be over. I don't plan on posting until she can come home. I do not know when that will be. I don't have a guess, and I have to come to the point of not even trying to estimate. Hopefully one day I will be able to have a picture of her at home, with out tubes or wires, and then I will believe it.

And yet another update.....

Scarlet is doing well. All her numbers have lowered and are stable. Her kidney function is normal. She is gaining weight and is currently 5lbs 1oz. She started out at 5lbs 5oz, but they drained something like 10oz of fluid out of her bladder right after she was born. Then she lost a little bit of weight at birth, like all babies do.

We're not sure when she will be able to come home. Her doctor (who is the most wonderful woman in the world & I would buy her a car if I could afford it) said that her renal (kidney) function is not what is keeping her in the NICU right now. She has to learn to take a bottle every feed for 48 hours and then she can come home. Right now she is taking every other feed from a bottle and doing well with it. Dr. G is going on vacation on Friday the 16th, and she said she fully expected her to be gone by the time she left. That is a week from today, so hopefully some time next week she will be ready to join us as a family!!

This has been a complicated journey. I am grateful for all of Scarlet's doctor and nurses who have worked hard for her. I'm grateful for my family and my husband and Ella. I don't want to rush Scarlet home, but I will be very happy when she is!!

Disclaimer

I am a selfish person. Prone to bouts of self pity and indignation.

I am also self aware.

I have done well with not feeling sorry for myself over the last few weeks. But this morning I was over come with feelings of 'I have it bad and no one knows how hard it is and they should all feel sorry for me because I have it the WORST.'

And then I discovered a person who had it MUCH worse than me, and it put into perspective how blessed I really have been.

I wasn't even supposed to get pregnant, let alone stay pregnant. But I did.

Scarlet's problems could have gone undetected until they were life threatening. But they weren't.

Scarlet was born early, with a problem with her bladder and kidneys. That is the least of the worst case scenarios. She has so far had healthy tests for her heart and lungs and there are no signs that that should change.

I have a wonderful family, who has been a support group for me.

I have an amazing husband and a beautiful older daughter. She has tried really hard to be good.

So it is isn't fair that I feel sorry for myself. I have A LOT to be grateful for. I could be facing a much more difficult struggle.

Look Who's Out Of The Pod!!

She sleeps with her little mouth hanging open. She is currently 4lbs 10oz. It sounds so tiny but she is actually bigger than most of her "podmates". There is a little girl in there that is only 2lbs 1oz!! She is SO very tiny.

She looks so different without her feeding tube taped to her mouth. She's doing good. She needs to learn to bottle feed and to tolerate those feedings. Hopefully she picks it up fast!! I want her to be as healthy as she can!! And we are all ready to have her in our family.

Questions Answered

There are a serious of questions that I have been asked, that I thought I should clear up.

• NO I did not plan to have my baby 8 weeks early.
• NO I am not happy about it.
• NO I am not SO happy to not be pregnant.
• NO I would never do it again.
• NO I don't feel like I lucked out and dodge the last 2 months of pregnancy.
• NO I would NOT rather go this early as apposed to going late.
• NO I did not choose to have a C section.
• NO I do not feel sorry for myself, or have self pity.
• NO I do not feel resentful to those who has had babies and have brought them home.
• NO I am not currently worried about calories.
• YES This is very difficult
• YES I'm aware God has a plan, please don't try to interpret it for me. I'll figure it out on my own.