This Veil of Tears

We received bad news this morning that one of my cousins had passed away. The cousin who called to let my mom know asked her to please call all of the other siblings, all 7 of them, to please let them know what had happened. Threw the inter locking network of family, we learned that another of my cousins has a very young (3 or 4) daughter who had a cancerous tumor on her kidney and is now undergoing chemo therapy.
I sat down will grief in my heart. None of these things are happening to me but I mourn for them. I can’t even comprehend a child so sick. I don’t want to imagine losing my brother. Now, I have something like 30 first cousins and another 30 plus first cousins, once removed. But these people are my family!! I played with them, or more they played with me, I was the littlest. They were kind and loving and smart.
Most importantly, they were God’s children and I have compassion on them as mortal souls.

When I as in high school I longed for the day when I could grow up. I wanted to live with adults who didn’t judge harshly or only support the popular kid. I thought life would balance and would become clear and easier. I wanted friends who loved me, not ones that I had to keep one eye on or they’d stab me in the back. I didn't want to be sold out to whoever was better. I didn't want to play the popular game anymore.
Well, I am an adult now, and I can not say that those games have gone away. And life is not easier. The hurt hurts so much more and the grief is so much deeper. And I ask you, Why?

Why, as women, as humans, are we not constantly supporting each other? We know how hard life can be as a wife, mother, sister, daughter. Why are we not applauding each other’s success? Why are we not consoling each other’s failures? Why do we think we are better than each other? Why do want to be? Why do we not see jealousy as it is, and hope for our best, while congratulating our successful sister.
We should be fighting to be OUR best. Not our neighbors better. And most definitely not our FRIENDS better. It is a tragic case to be so threatened, or so envious of another that it brings malice to our heart.
I am a flawed woman. I have many faults. I sin. I make mistakes. I would hope that those who even vaguely cared for me would want what was best for me. Not to be only worried that I have something they don’t. Or be delighted while I stumble.

I am tired of not being perfect. I’m tired of my children not being perfect. I’m tired of comparison. I’m tired of feeling bad because I am not held in a certain esteem because I don’t have something or wear something or drive something.

I’m angry that grown women who are mothers have the nerve to judge my children for their faults. Or worse, their home or their clothes or their hair. My worst nightmare is that my children will become vain, self centered women who are only worried about how they look. They are too afraid to take out the trash with out make up for fear someone might see them!! That they will only promote physical beauty to their children instead of what is important. Be nice, love everyone, never judge someone by their home or car or clothes. Never be mean.

I am consoled by the knowledge that My Father in Heaven does not have favorites. He doesn't care who is thinnest. Or who has the biggest/nicest house. Or who has the smartest/prettiest/bestest children. He cares if we have good hearts. If we serve others with pure intentions. If we love unconditionally and forgive our fellow man.

People disappoint me sometimes. I am grateful for those who do not. Bless you. Bless all the pure in heart. I sat with shock and horror today while I learned of the tragedy in the lives of those that shared the same blood with me, and I thought of how little we have here. We have so little and we take it all for granted. Life is so fragile and I complain about my children and my husband and my house. I worry about what someone else thinks or said or what I said. It is all just non sense. I want to take this into my heart and vow to have peace, love. I want to serve those in need and comfort the weary and the grieved. I don’t worry about the what other people think for the most part, but I am absolutely not going to worry now. I will worry about if my family is happy, healthy and I will make sure they know how much they mean to me.

Today has been filled with emotion for me. I have taken a moment to recognize life before me and it has been startling. I don’t know why these experiences have been so profound when it seems every day I am made aware of a new tragedy or trial of  the human race. It’s not about me. It’s just about seeing a little more and more clearly every day and keeping my face turned to the light. The darkness behind me will only become darker and eat up more of the light as I age. I will feel it. I will know it’s there. But I do not want it to be the way before me. I want to only be apart of light, graciousness and understanding. I do not want to be apart of anything else.