Closure and Visuals

At the beginning of the year I almost gave up on my blog.

But then I browsed through it one evening and was reminded of things I had forgot had ever happened!!

I made a goal to make sure I posted as often as I could so I would have memories preserved.

Even if they were mundane.

Because essentially this blog is for ME.

 

I had my surgery on June 27th.

I was VERY anxious and I had Brent give me a blessing of comfort.

In that blessing I was promised that I would have answers.

I have been wracked with indecision whether or not to have another child for over a year.

Maybe even longer than that.

But I can put an exact date on when it began to consume my mind.

May 7, 2013

Every day I have been tormented with indecision.

I knew as I was wheeled back to the O.R. that I would leave there with answers.

 

As anesthesia cleared from my brain, my doctor approached me and gave me all the information he had obtained.

He directly asked me if I wanted more children.

I shrugged and told him I didn't think so.

He nodded and commented "Good. It's dangerous."

And I had my answer.

I felt it.

I think I knew it all along but was in denial.

I was relieved with the answer.

A little disappointed. 

But relieved.

But I also felt guilty.

I'm Mormon!!

I'm supposed to procreate and replenish the Earth!!

I'm supposed to have 8 kids!!

And actually, I WANTED a big family.

Even when I felt closure and peace, I would bring up guilt.

I'm a Mormon woman!! I should want a whole house full of children!!

My therapist and I discussed it length today.

And I have decided to let that go.

 

I have two beautiful daughters.

I don't need more children than I can handle. Or safely have. Or afford!!

It would be ungrateful to the Lord to be unsatisfied.

I am making the choice to not feel guilty.

And really, it can be that easy.

I am choosing to apply myself to make it so!!

 

 

 

My uterine malformation is center row on the left side.

My babies are miracles.

I am making the choice to be positive.

I can do it!!

It is a choice and if I have to make a constant, consistent effort, I will prevail.

I love my girls. They are blessings and miracles.

Saying that doesn't take much effort.