The Look of 2014

This year has been very hard and I’ve hesitated to write it down. I don’t want everyone to know what a total mess life has been. Or what a total mess I have been. And I want to protect myself. But I think the only way to knowledge is awareness, so I am choosing to be brave.

I’ll start by telling the story of how I came to today.

In January, after Christmas, I told Brent I was going to lay in bed all day and just be bitter. Those feelings I let invade my heart did not end with that day’s sunset. I sank into a bitter, resentful quagmire of anger. I hardened my heart, lost all hope, and stopped putting my trust in God. I was mean and impatient with my children, and intolerant of my husband. No one could please me and I was happy about it!! I was justified in my disappointment!!

On Sunday, March 30th, I suffered a severe, monumental panic attack. It was of epic proportions and lasted 3 days. I had just started a brand new medication to help with PCOS and thought I was having a reaction to that. I hurried to the doctor as soon as I could and they prescribed me an anti anxiety and sent me on my way.

I suffered with daily panic attacks and debilitating anxiety and panic for 3 more weeks, then finally took myself to my regular physician. He gave me a bag of pills and again, I was  sent on my way. They helped. But the overwhelming, life altering panic did not subside. It took until May 15th before I finally found a therapist and made an appointment to go.

The same day I was visited by my new visiting teachers, one of which urged me to go to the church’s 12 step program. I felt impressed I should go and see what it was all about. I wept through the first meeting because I knew I found a place I was safe and could learn tools to help me understand what the Lord needed me to do.

I had failed surgery on June 27th and the little progress I had made back slid. The panic was back. I went back to the doctor and tried new medication only to have it exacerbate the problem and add new ones.

I prayed, went to my class, and faithfully kept with my therapy.

Today. I am ok. Am I great? No. Am I back to normal? No.

Do I crave getting my life back and wonder if there will ever be a day with out pain or fear? Yes.

I have shed tears, lost sleep, beg God, bartered with God, and lost my hope a few times.

I have gained thirty four pounds. Thirty four. THIRTY. FOUR. I feel like total crap. I look worse. As my high school friend used to say, “I feel like shit ran over twice.”

But I have learned a few things. I have learned the importance of a humble heart. I have learned to trust in the Lord. My love for my husband and children has deepened.

Now I have had a few individuals roll their eyes when I have given them a mere brief summary of what has been going on. Because face it. When someone gains 34 pounds and is not pregnant and is seen in her sweat pants daily, something has gone awry!! Those eye rolls? They hurt. No, I don’t have cancer. Thank goodness!! No, I don’t have a sick child. Praise the heavens!! No, I haven’t lost a loved one. More praise!! But I am having a deep struggle. A deep, hard, never ending, no end in sight struggle.

Do I try? Yes.

Have I been a total bitch alternated with a needy wimp? Yes.

But let me tell you, my friends. This has been a difficult journey. One I may only find an end to when I finally leave mortality and have the relief of Heaven’s mercy. I will keep trying, and plead with my Father in Heaven every night to please be free of this burden. And if anyone out there has any compassion in their heart, they will NEVER roll their eyes at a person who works up the courage to quietly admit they are struggling with mental health EVER. AGAIN. If you don’t understand, just say I’m sorry and offer help or prayers. Depression, anxiety, panic are NOT things you just “get over”. Or “mind over matter.” They are a disease. A misunderstood, unique to every person, difficult to over come problem.

Until you have gasped for air, and felt smothered, and struggled for breath, all while your heart pounds and adrenaline surges to every point of your body, you will never understand the length and breadth of this kind of fear. And I hope for you, you will never have to understand. I just hope that there is more compassion for those of us who do.

So there it is. That has been the year of 2014. I am so grateful for those who have helped me, and served me, and thought of me. I am so grateful for my husband who has held me and picked up the slack and put himself in my place when  can’t find the strength another minute. He is an amazing man. He has walked through the trenches when others might have thrown up their hands and quit. I am so grateful for my children and I hope all the times they have seen me cry doesn't have an averse effect.

My current goals are to get through one day at a time and hope the good out weighs the bad. I am trying to listen to the Spirit and find out what my Father in Heaven wants me to learn. I know the Lord gives us trials to help us grow. I know that I am under the gaze of His all seeing eye while I am refined. And I will try to withstand the heat. For some days, The Refiners fire is very hot.