Fragments of Summer

I love the summer because there are no rules.

We are relaxed and play and watch too much tv.

And I don't care!!

We stay up late and sleep in.

We swim and craft and see friends.

 

I do try, however, to do work books at least 4 days a week.

I worry Ella will lose what she has learned.

Elementary isn't what it used to be people!!

It's cut throat now!!

Little ones need to go into kindergarten needing to know letters, and sounds, and will be reading by the end of the year.

When I was there, we LEARNED our alphabet.

I was brilliant, therefore knew mine already.

But I digress.

I feel like children are pushed pretty hard to meet the standards of some obscure committee somewhere that sat down and made some rules, but don't really know what it's like to be in a class room.

 

But off that tangent!!!

 

So I love summer for the reasons listed above!!

But I. Hate. The. Heat.

And this July hasn't even been bad!!

In fact, for southern Nevada, it's been down right nice!!

The freshness of our freedom is growing stale, and we're beginning to get bored and crave a schedule.

 

And the worst part of summer?

The delicate thread that is the improvement Scarlet made in her class is frayed.

Regression.

Any parents with a child with extra (and/or) special needs will shiver at that word.

 

Regression.

 

And a piece of me starts to look forward to school.

And then a different piece sees that, and dies of sadness.

And a different piece tells me to be brave.

And a different piece holds my daughter close as she's screaming for an hour.

And that piece splits in two.

Half wants to hold her and shush her and just bleeds with sadness.

And the other half wants to scream until my throat explodes and then break stuff.

And all those fragments are in a handful and I'm not sure which one to look at first.

So I throw them away.

And I don't look at any of them.

I look at my daughter.

And I tell my self it will be ok.

Just like the doctors and teachers and friends and parents promise me it will be.

And I fight tears.

Because NO I will not cry!!

She's hard.

Now what.

NOT now what?

Now what.

 

This is what she will show you if you ask for her crazy face.

She's so beautiful.

She has moments of sweetness that shoot white hot threw all the other chaos and strike right at the center of my heart.

She is my daughter.

And I need her.