In October, I sat in my therapist office.
My face was buried in my hands as I tearfully talked about Scarlet.
She is VERY hard.
I will not claim that is the most hard, but she is still very hard.
My whole soul bled out with the sadness I felt.
She never stopped crying.
She couldn't stop crying.
She didn't sleep.
And it wasn't just the every day drama of the average 3 year old.
This was some insane, intense situations!!
Every last moment of the day was met with stubborn obstinacy.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it any more, but I had too!!
I couldn't leave my house.
She hated everyone and everything and I was pretty sure I was at the top of that list.
I had failed.
I had failed her.
I love her and would die for her but I couldn't make her happy.
I couldn't fix her!!
I couldn't take away the high emotions that were affecting our whole family's daily existence.
He kindly waiting for me to hit the bottom of my emotions and asked if I had ever heard of child find.
I had not.
It is simply the early childhood development class.
He suggested I look into it and get her tested, it sounded to him like maybe she was emotionally under developed.
I was taken back.
I had never thought about that.
She's big for her age.
She's smart.
I never took into account that her prematurity might effect emotions.
I had her tested and the results came back.
For Physical stature she is the size of a 4 1/2 year old
For Cognitive Behavior she performs at her age, 3 years 4 months.
In Communication she was also performing at the right level, 3 years 4 months.
In Adaptive Behavior she only functions at the age of a 2 year 5 month old.
Her Emotional-Social level was that of a 1 YEAR 11 MONTH OLD.
Some how, something in brain had just not clicked out of that of a not even 2 year old child.
I had been trying to guide her through the terrible 2's for almost 2 years.
She qualified for the Early Childhood Development class.
Brent and I left the meeting with all the child psychologists and specialists, and I cried the whole way home.
For more than one reason!!
All those times I had been so hard on her, so impatient, so pissed!!
All those times I had sent her to her room or put her to bed early.
She literally had just not understood.
But my baby was NOT broken. She just needed a little outside help from someone who could be removed from the situation.
I was sad I wasn't the one who could that for her.
But rejoiced there was someone who could!!
She started today.
I was a little heart sore.
Her hours are the same as kindergarten.
My baby has a back pack, a class room and a bus!!
But I want what is best for her, and we all need to help her move forward.
Something just hasn't clicked yet in her brain, a brain that at 32 weeks gestation, had not yet developed the needed grooves at birth.
And now she has the chance to be guided to a place where that thing does click,
before she's older and the work to get her to that place would be difficult if not impossible.
She can go into society functioning at a level appropriate for her age.
I miss her and Ella every day.
But I'm happy she gets to expand her horizons and learn the skills she will need to grow and mature and function in every day life.
