Reflection

The last week has been so full of a hundred different things, I don't know how to start the list. Monday morning I was gutted like a fish, which did result in a brand new baby, so that helps the feeling. Didn't get to bring that baby home with me and have only held her twice. My head has been filled with numbers. Billirubin numbers. Oxygen saturation numbers. Kidney flow numbers. Weight numbers. Sleep apnea numbers and caffeine numbers. Scarlet has a respiratory therapist, a urologist, a physician, a nurse, and a charge nurse. Her little feet are riddled with heel sticks from blood work. She is covered in tubes. Feeding tube, catheter, 2 IVs, heart monitor, lung monitor. I have driven to Vegas every day and put gas in my Tahoe every other day. I now have all the streets between here and Sunrise hospital memorized. I know where all the bathrooms are in the hospital. I bought 2 preemie outfits for when we get to take her home, and have decided that it is unnatural for a baby to be able to fit inside a sleeper that small!!

I have cried at least twice every hour for one or more reasons. Not always sad ones. I can hum half the hymn book before I run out of songs I know. I miss my family. I miss my daughter, the one I happen to not be with at the time. My sister had a baby, and I can't believe it!! She was supposed to go first so I could have hers to play with for awhile!!

I haven't wanted to pray, because I only pray when I feel desperate and I don't want to feel like that. So I say my prayers like nothing is wrong, like I'm just ready for the day. (or night) Which is strange, because I asked for a blessing at least once a day the 4 days before Scarlet was born.

Good news is, although the last week has been full of some of the strongest turmoil I have ever had to experience, everything is going well. All those numbers are lowering. All those numbers are settling to where they are supposed to be. Scarlet is getting healthier. I feel less like a filleted fish and more like a human. I have never been so grateful for others in my whole life, or appreciated acts of kindness so much. I just want to sit down and sigh, and get through one day at a time.

More Pictures

Look at all her dark hair!! I know it isn't like the little hispanic babies, but it is WAY more than Ella had!! If she would have gone to full term there would have been a ton!! And it's dark! I guess I got used to blondie Ella.

I know this picture is sad and hard to look at. But these are her tiny little hands. She's covered in a lot of wires and tubes. Her surgery went well yesterday. It did what is was supposed to do and now we need to hope and pray that it CONTINUES to do what it is supposed to do.

I love her so much. I always worried that once I had another child, I might like her more than the first one, or not as much.

But my mom was right, you love them just the same. I see Ella every day after being in the hospital and I love her so much. I am surprised everyday how smart she is and how big she is getting. I see Scarlet and I feel the same way. I'm excited to see her every day and I am always sad when we have to leave.

Thank you every one for thinking and praying for us. It means so much to me!

When Words Aren't Enough

The last week has been one of the most emotional and over whelming of my entire life. I don't think it would be fair to not publicly thank some very special people.

First off. Thank you to anyone who even thought about us for a moment, or sent a prayer our way. We have needed them and they are much appreciated.

Thank you to all the wonderful medical personal that were with us step by step. There is a fantastic nurse in the Sunrise Labor & Delivery OR that I will never forget. I was scared to death for my C section and she held my hand, held me and soothed me through the whole ordeal. I know Heavenly Father put her there because I needed her understanding and compassion. The anesthesiologist was also an amazing man. He was a high councilman for his stake and had a calm voice. He knew how scared I was and made sure he was extra careful so I wouldn't be afraid.

I am so thankful for my specialist Dr. Wold. He didn't have to do my surgery, but he chose to. It meant so much to have a familiar face in the OR. He is an amazing doctor and also knew I was scared. He brought my daughter very safely into this world and talked to me the whole time so I wouldn't be afraid.

I don't know where I would be with out my husband. He has done some serious dirty work. He has dressed me, and cleaned me and cared for me. He has been a patient, willing slave for a week and has never even frowned about it. He has jumped every time I asked for something. He has been in charge when I just didn't want to be. He has sheltered me and lifted me up and I don't know what I would do with out him.

I am so thankful for my sister. She has taken my daughter and treated her like one of her own, so my mom could have a break. I know she has thought of me and understood me. I feel like we share this private secret now that we have both have had C sections. I aways had sympathy for her, but I never knew how scary and painful it was!

Most of all I am so thankful for my mom. She has had Ella for almost a week. I was so worried about Ella being there with her, because sometimes Ella can be really intense! My mom kept telling me how good she has been, and I realized it wasn't Ella who made that environment. It was my mom. She made Ella feel safe, and loved and cared for her with all her heart. I could trust her with out question and knew Ella was safe and happy the whole time. It was hard to leave Ella. I haven't ever done it before. But I knew she was in hands more capable than mine. There is not a big enough thank you or a way to repay such a thing. I routinely take my mom for granted and this week showed me just how much she does for me and how much she means to my family. I love her and my dad so much and I am so glad they are my parents. I am so glad they were able to take my daughter into their home and love her so much, she didn't even realize I was gone.

It has been a very emotional last couple of days. I love my new little girl so much. I have kept a vigilant heart, that everything is going to be okay. I have to keep that feeling or I might just collapse. I am thankful for her little spirit and I am praying that one day I am going to look back on this and remember how hard it was, but see her and have graciousness that she thrived.

Words are something I pride myself with being able to use. I feel like I have the ability to put thoughts down on paper and use them to describe my feelings. But today there are no words. I am so thankful and blessed. I can only use those basics to describe what is in my heart, and sometimes the basic is the most powerful.

Here She Is!!!

Scarlet Jorlyn Bowler was born Monday August 22nd at 11:06am. She was 5lbs 5oz 15 inches long. She was 32 weeks and 3 days, almost 8 weeks early.

She is so tiny! Her cheeks look kind of rough. She had some tape holding in some tubes and it chaffed her brand new skin.

I wish I could just hold and snuggle her, but my time with her is limited. All of her tests so far have come back good. There are lots of long explanations that go with those tests, but I don't feel like repeating them!! Let's just say she is doing really well!! Breathing on her own and emptying her bladder!!

This is her little tiny foot. Ella was small, but she came out with jack rabbit feet!! These feet are so small. She has kind of a lot of dark hair. If she would have gone to term, I think she would have had a bunch!! I think she would have been huge too! I gained a lot of weight with her, but in hind sight, it's a good thing!! Now she has some fat on her!!

We love her so much already. We are hoping she keeps improving and can come home at the beginning of September. I am so thankful for every one's thoughts and prayers. I'm a little overwhelmed and a lot tired, but I will do some better posts in the future!!

Updates

Scarlet Jorlyn Bowler will be born tomorrow at 10:30 am via emergency c section. There is some kind of blockage to her bladder and kidneys and they can't drain. It will be safer for her to be on the outside more than the inside at this point. I have no amniotic fluid and there is none being produced so it is best to have her out.

I'm afraid for her and afraid to have a c section. But I have full confidence in our team of doctors. My specialist is going to do the delivery and I met with an amazing neonatologist today. He was calm and patient and answered all of the questions I had with a wonder nature. I usually have a good first impression of people and I automatically felt good about him. He was very calm as is my specialist Dr. W. I like to associate with calm people. They make me feel safe and in control.

Yesterday was a very bad day because I just didn't know what was going on. Now we have a plan and I thrive on a plan.

I just want everyone to know what is going on. I'm not trying to get pity or attention. I just wanted everyone to know what's going on. Tomorrow I may have pictures of my new, very tiny baby girl.

Thanks everyone for all the kind words. It makes me feel very loved. I have been on blogs and facebook A LOT since I'm trapped in the hospital, tethered to my bed by my evil IV. There isn't even a window in my room!! I feel like an under ground animal!! But it is only temporary. I will be released on Wednesday, but Scarlet will be here for at least 3 weeks.

Here's My New Drama

Scarlet seemed like she had stopped moving as much as she should have. I went to a regular scheduled doctor's appointment on Tuesday and he had me do a non stress test. It came back just ok. So he scheduled me for another one Thursday. It came back good. I still didn't feel good about it though. If it was good, why wasn't she moving? My wonderful doctor scheduled an ultra sound for Friday afternoon. As soon as the probe hit my stomach I could see a large black spot. The nice tech set down the prob and practically ran to find the doctor. They determined that Scarlet's bladder was swollen to 10 times it's normal size. It is taking up her whole abdominal cavity. All of her urine is also backing up into her kidneys. My amniotic fluid was way too low, so I was sent off to the hospital to spend the night and get fluids. We were all hoping that she would empty her bladder, and that would help fill everything up.

I was there for 24 hours and nothing had changed. With a very heavy heart I was admitted to Sunrise Hospital in Vegas. I have kind of had a horrible experience her. My high state of anxiety has given me contractions all night and they just barely decided to give me something to stop them. I have been waiting for a specialist to come and check things out for 15 hours and she has yet to make an appearance. I have had 2 hours of sleep since yesterday at 6am. All I do is lay away and pray/beg/plead/ and barter for Scarlet to please empty her bladder and we can go from there. I'm greasy, ugly and exhausted. I'm frustrated and ready to rip this IV out of my arm and march out of here, hospital gown and all. Do they really have to open in the back? Really?

I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself, and vowing to never ever get pregnant again. If I decide I want another child, I will just pay someone to carry it for me!! It's a bad economy!! I bet someone would be interested!!!

I will update later when I know what is officially going on.

Back in My Hay Day

These are some pictures I found from high school. I miss being a cheerleader!! It was a lot of fun. I especially miss it right now, because I am NOT in shape and I am NOT flexible!! Maybe in a few months I'll feel better! :) Above: Tessa, Kim, Ashley, Becca. We thought we some big, bad seniors!!

Our Varsity squad for my senior year. We were so good!! I miss these girls! Amy, Ashley, Becca, Ashley #2, Kim, Tessa, Katie, Tara

Cheer camp 1999. We are JV sophomores. Ashley, Andrea, Becca, Amber, Tessa & Amber

This is our senior year again. In the left picture is me (obviously) and that blondie is now my sister in law! I'm not sure who the dark haired girl is, but I think her name was Linda.

The right picture was 'ground up double Ls' Ashley, Danielle, Amanda and I think Amy is in the back, but you can't see her face.

I seriously can't believe high school was 9 years ago. I had a lot of fun, but I'm happy where I'm at now. I don't think I would want to do high school again!! Lots of drama!! I just thought I'd post these for fun!!

More Conversations

Number One

Jara: Ashee, are you having a baby like Mommy? (Eyeing me suspiciously)

Me: Yes I am.

Jara: Is it a baby girl? Or a baby boy?

Me: It's a little girl.

Jara: (sigh of relief) Oh good!

Number 2

Ella: Mommy, do you have a sister?

Me: Yes I do. Aunt Joshlyn is my sister.

Ella: Is Aunt Chelsey your sister?

Me: No. Uncle Jordan is my brother and Aunt Chelsey is his wife.

Ella: (blank stare) So is Gramma your sister?

Me: No. Gramma is MY mommy.

Ella: Is Jara MY sister?

Me: No sweetie, she's your cousin.

Ella: (throws her hands up in frustration) I give up!

Number 3

Ella: (watching tangled) If that man is ugly, does it mean he's a bad guy?

Me: No. Sometimes good guys are ugly.

Ella: I've never seen one.

Number 4

(over heard by me from the next room)

Jara: Jack!! You have to be nice to Ella and give her everything she wants!

Jack: Me want it!

Jara: Mommy said you have to. It's called being nice!

Jack: Me nice.

Jara: Then give it back.

Jack: (disgruntled muttering)

Ella: Thanks Jackie!!

Just Some Stuff

This is the only 'belly shot' this blog is ever going to see! Molly has never been interested in laying ON me. She usually just wants to lay NEXT to me. But since I got pregnant, she has been territorial of my belly.

In honor of my husband and his family's unwavering commitment to UNLV, I got the girls these.

Hopefully they can be worn honorable, and not in shame!!

Every time she wears these, Ella tells me she 'loves her basketball shorts".

3D Ultrasound

Here is a 3D ultra sound of little Scarlet! I think she looks mostly like Ella! I think they have the same nose and cheeks. Everything else looked great. Her bladder, kidneys, brain, heart, everything looked good and healthy.

I will be 30 weeks on Friday and it seems like I am so close to being done, but still so far away! At least the pregnancy count down will be into the single digits.