Sunday, March 26, 2017

Spring Improvement

Why yes I did get my tax return.
Why do you ask?!
Brent has not rested on the FMLA he has taken for my surgery.
No sir.
He has been shoveling his little heart out!!
He has been planting the many rose bushes I wanted for my huge, beautiful window.

 He had to shovel out A LOT of rock that was in the beds so I could have a rose garden.
I didn't want to fuss around the rock.
I wanted to look at organic earth!!
Ella was a big helper and hunter of worms!!
 Rock is out.
He had to cut out all the weed blocker.

 Here it is!!
It's still young, so there is a lot of exposed dirt.
But all those beautiful roses will mature and grow and fill in.
so I will get to enjoy them for years to come!!
 We tinted our west facing French doors and the HUGE transom above.
It's lovely and I didn't want to close of the space with a curtain.
But SOOOO much heat came threw!!
Even on a winter day.
So. Much. Heat.
It has made a huge difference!!
Now I will be able to take the (ugly) solar screens off from about November to April!!
This is out the west door.
It was dirt and some worn out hexagon shaped pavers.
This was Brent's project.
I didn't really care what he did as long as it was fresh!!
It isn't quite done.
We ran out of rock and it had to ordered.
The pavers aren't straight cuz he just threw them down so we could see what we want it to look like.
I am so excited!!
We have more to come and it makes me so happy to see my forever home getting pretty!!

Isn't This My Bed?

 I love my bed.
I love the perfect firmness/ softness of the mattress.
I love the bed itself that I picked out last summer.
I love the thousand thread count sheets....
After 11 days in my bed.
I'm starting to hate my bed.
All I do is sleep, take pain meds, eat, go back to sleep.
It's starting to get really boring.
I have never liked sleep.
Don't get me wrong!!
I appreciate a good night's rest and
I know it's necessary for the best level of health.
It's just takes so much time!!
I have had visitors to my bed.
And I love it because I get lonely.
 Scarlet is a floating head!!
They piled in a few days after I came home,
and Ella brought me her froggie pillow pet.
It was a sweet gesture that turned out to be very beneficial!!
If I lay on my side I can lean into him and it's perfect support!!
Scarlet woke up this morning with a fever and feels generally icky.
She came in this afternoon requesting a nap.
She's my sleeper.
She has no qualms requesting naps or rest.
She doesn't fight sleep!!
She takes after her Auntie Joshlyn is that aspect!!
I don't how someone so small can take up so much space!!
Sleeping with Ella is easy cuz she snuggles into a corner and doesn't even roll over in her sleep,
like her daddy.
Scarlet follows you across the bed,
and must be touching you at all times.
Or sleeps spread out like a starfish!!
She might take after someone
 This was Friday after my surgery. (Wednesday)
Kato doesn't think I can heal unless he is near me.
This fur ball is just taking advantage of the situation.
The softest blankets in a warm bed.
Don't mind if I do.
Move over human, you're hogging the pillow.

Friday, March 17, 2017

I Did It

My surgery is finally over!!
I scheduled the date 7 weeks ago.
Not because I wanted to put it off,
because my doctor is a very bust man and that was soon as he could get me in.
It was a long wait,
and I had too much time to think about every little last detail.
A benefit to my high need for control is:
it leads to a high need for order.
I took advantage of that craziness and cleaned my house and prepped fruits & veggies for when I got home.
I did all my grocery shopping and got clothes ready.
I was well prepared.
For that.
I wasn't prepared for the emotional side of anything.
But by damn, my floors were mopped!!
I got to the hospital at 6:30 Wednesday morning, and my surgery was set for 7:30.
That was the longest hour of my life.
I was sincerely ready to pull my IV out,
thank everyone for their troubles,
and walk out of there.
I would just spend the rest of my life in pain, losing too much blood every month,
and deal with it.
I think they saw that look in my eye,
because almost immediately they shot "something to help me feel calm"
into my IV.
I felt better after that.
Still nervous,
but my plot to escape receded.
The nurses and doctors who cared for me were wonderful.
They were kind and patient, and very sympathetic.
Dr Ofori is amazing. He even made sure my incision were symmetrical because he knows that it would bother me if they weren't.
He also told me "I didn't want to mess up your abs."
God bless that wonderful man.
First: for suggesting I have decent abs.
Second: for being so meticulous.
Third: For caring
My nurses were sweet and attentive & never got annoyed when I buzzed them to hand me my water 3 feet away out of arms reach.
I have had so many lovely people call, text, put my name in the temple, or bring me food.
My dear friend brought me a rose bush,
and another friend snuck over and left something for my girls from Leprechauns.
She thought we had left, but little does she know I was still in the house and saw her car!!
It means SO much to me.
I struggle with feelings of self worth,
so when other take a moment to think of me,
I feel loved.
So many lovely women all praying for me,
checking on me,
and having kindness for me,
it is very humbling and I am learning from the kindness of these women.
My mother and sister, as always, immediately came to the rescue with child care, my favorite foods, entertainment, and general support!!
Thank you from that bottom of my heart to everyone.
Do you know you use your core for in an average day?
The answer is everything.
Sneezing, laughing, breathing, coughing.
Opening sour cream.
Rolling over.
Today is day 3.
I'm tired, drugged, and sore.
Walking to bathroom requires a 30 minute nap.
Having limits is frustrating,
I plan on following the doctors order to THE LETTER
because I do NOT want to mess anything up and have to be back in the hospital.
After I had recovered a bit and Dr Ofori came into talk about the surgery,
he validated that the choice to have a hysterectomy was the best plan.
It was a mess.
A terrible, deformed mess.
I'm glad to have it all behind me.
I did it.
And I didn't die!!

Sunday, March 12, 2017

The Ides of March

I don’t consider myself a private person. A reserved person, yes. But I don’t keep my problems or struggles a secret. I just don’t casually bring them up.
“Hey Ashley!! How are you?”
“Good. I’m just losing my mind and having surgery and my kid might have anxiety and my dog peed on my carpet. How are you?”

I just don’t know how to casually let my friends know what is going on in my life!! I feel bad when I find out 2nd or 3rd hand about something my friend or family member has gone through, and I ask them, “Why didn’t you tell me?” And they say they didn’t want to bother me. And that’s how I feel!! I don’t want to bother anyone, or bring unnecessary attention to myself.

But it has been brought to my attention that it is nice to let people know about stuff!! So here it goes!!
I went to my OB/GYN on January 24th for my routine yearly exam. Now I see my dear doctor more than that, because let’s face it, my reproductive system is messed up. But this was the yearly one. The one we all dread as females. He found multiple polyps and other anomalies during the exam and ordered some tests. No surprise. I always have to have tests ordered. But usually they find the same old stuff. Thick lining, cysts, unbalanced hormones. The polyps were new.

The results from those tests were thankfully benign. But my doctor and I had a very long discussion about removing the source of the problem. A ‘radical hysterectomy’. Which means they take everything except my ovaries. Not to be confused with a total hysterectomy, where they take the uterus but leave the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and cervix. Dr. O is cleaning house!!

He and I mutually decided that I deserve a better quality of life. One that isn’t filled with pain, and blood, and fatigue, and swelling, and emotions. My uterus has 2 sides and they have slowly since puberty started to function independently from each other. That means; it’s like I have TWO cycles. TWO hormone fluctuations. TWO sets of everything but not in correlation with each other. It’s complicated to explain, and I’m sure BORING to listen to!! The final straw was the massive buildup of tissue inside me. The septum that divides my heart shaped uterus doesn’t have a proper blood supply. Just enough to build tissue but not enough to support a placenta or have the strength the shed at the end of a cycle. So it builds, and builds, and builds. Until my entire insides consist of dead, unused, unwanted tissue.

Wednesday, I will be going to have the whole mess removed. Hopefully, after the dust settles, I have relief from the moody organ’s drama, and can have a better quality of life.

If you ask I how am feeling, I will tell you, fine.

But I’m not fine. I’m sad. And scared. And nervous. And disappointed.

I’m scared my body will never be the same. And no not my hard-earned physique. Although, that is scary too. My hormones, my skin, my hair. My guts. My sleep.

I’m nervous that instead of helping, it will only anger the beast.

I’m sad I have fear. I’m sad it will interrupt my life. I am a creature of habit. I like routine. Lying in bed for a week or more. And all the RESTING I’m being asked to do sounds daunting and awful. Yes, let’s leave Ashley to her thoughts for hours on end. Great.

I do NOT like being put under anesthesia. Yes, it’s a control thing. Knowing that doesn’t make me feel better. I do NOT want to be spayed like some nasty old alley cat that’s produced 100 kittens in her life time. I do NOT feel lucky. NOT. AT. ALL.

I do NOT feel like I’m beating nature and now don’t have to worry about “THAT” isle ever again. All I have ever wanted was to just be NORMAL. Complain about the whole process every month until I each my 50s and then go briefly insane like all those who have gone before me.

I’m disappointed, and sad I didn’t get to have more children. I was never brave enough to try. I was warned not to, and never had the courage to trust God would get me threw it. I’m sad I don’t get to use all my cute names I have written down. Or that my husband didn’t have a little boy. I’m sad I didn’t get to name my son after my father. And maybe I never would have!! But this is final. Finite. And it makes me sad.

Now, it does not define me. And I will not spend a life time morning what might have been. But for this moment, I am going to take the time to ponder these things in my heart.

There it is!! I will not be out and about for a while. I may gain weight or lose muscle. I might (ha! definitely) be in yoga pants every time I leave the house. Hell!! I’m in yoga pants now. Yes, I will have a surgical band around my waist to compress and help support everything. I will CHOOSE to wear it. No, it is not a waist trainer. And if it was, why do you care?!

I apologize for the moderately snarky attitude of this post. Like I said, I’m sad. I’m scared.

I have faith that it will all be ok. I just need to get on the other side of the operating table, and then I will have more confidence.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Reading Week

Last week was reading week at the school!!
We are a reading family,
and it was fun to add new things to the mix.
We read outside,
to our pets,
with a flash light,
over the phone,
and a few other fun ways.
They have dress up days every day, and we did our best to look the part!!
Represent Nevada
I didn't know if I should have them dress up as show girls or mobsters!!
I was a little ashamed to admit I had ZERO Nevada related paraphernalia!!
Mt girls do not have a UNLV shirt!!
Their father was disgusted!! Haha
So we went with American flag shirts....
cuz that's what we had...
and borrow Daddy's UNLV hats.
I had to tuck big, poofy bows under the back to fill out the extra space!!
We robbed Grandma's old Rubbermaid fill with Uncle Hiss's hunting gear from when he was young.
Everything was still huge so we rolled the sleeves back about 5 times!!
They also took their 'retrievers'.
Crazy hats and socks day in honor of Dr. Seuss's birthday.
Here we have Lady Liberty and her friend Cupcake.
Dress like your favorite book character.
Ella was Hermione Granger.
Scarlet was Bad Kitty.
Holy ears batman

 Friday was blue and gold day but I don't have a picture.
They just bow Bowler shirts and coordinating bows.
Nothing fancy!!