Thursday, April 30, 2015

When Life Kicks You in the Teeth......Or More Accurately, the Eye

Last Wednesday my contact didn't seem to want to sit on my eye right.
The next 4 days progressed to not being able to wear my contact at all.
My eye wasn't red.
Just one red line ran threw the far side of it.
Brilliantly red, but nothing remarkable.
It didn't hurt, as long as I kept my contact out, but I HATE wearing glasses.
So Monday morning I went to my eye doctor to see what was burdening my fussy orb.
I figured I scratched it.
Or splashed bathroom cleaner in it.
Or maybe I rubbed it too hard in my sleep.
He took a long time studying it.
That's never a good sign.
When the doctor studies something,
and then looks at the other side,
and then back again,
and then from a different angle.
He told me my eye had an aggressive, fast moving, highly contagious virus.
It was the chicken pox virus.
It had laid dormant, quiet and forgotten, until it decided to manifest itself in my eye.
Like shingles can show up decades later.
It would 1 of 2 things;
kill itself,
or rapidly move across my eye, destroying my sight and scarring my eyeball.
I could lose my sight or at worst case scenario, my eye.
It was very early in the stages of the disease.
A good thing.
Because it irritated my contact, I immediately knew something was amiss. 
If it decided not to kill itself, it could be treated with a drug similar to chemo.
But there would still be some damage to the eye.
I had to go home and wait 48 hours for the virus to decide what it wanted to do.
If it was shrinking, it would die and I could go back to contacts and a normal existence on Monday.
If it had grown "roots", I had to start treatment and hope the best for my eye.
48 hours is a long time to think about what it would be like to lose one's sight.
But Wednesday's appointment revealed the virus was shrinking and my eye would be spared.
I am grateful my eye is mending and on its way back to normal.
I will never take my sight, however poor without contacts, for granted again.

Thursday, April 23, 2015


My Aunt currently resides in the house that was originally my granny and grandpa's.
About 5 years ago, a few years after granny's death, my Aunt had a drunk driver plow into the front planter of the house.
Dozens of decade old iris bulbs came spilling out.
She was generous to share with me!!
We planted at our old house and they never bloomed.
Green spears would come up, but no flower.
We moved to the house we're in now and still no bloom.
Only green spears.
I held hope in my heart that one day the old things would produce a flower, but if nothing else, they were at least something green!!
 Well my friends, after 5 years of waiting, I found buds!!
 And my granny's irises bloomed!!
Their delicate petals have unfurled and I feel a lingering spirit of her whenever I look at them.
I go out in our lovely grass, lay down a blanket,
and just gaze at them.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Description of Panic

If you have never had a panic attack, let me describe it for you.

Remember when you were a child, and you had to run the trash out to the big can outside? And it was winter so the sun set early? Everything was still and peaceful and nothing seemed wrong. Then, all of a sudden, you hear a snap, or a rustle. What was that sound? Trying to shake off the feeling of fear you continue out to the trash can, which your dad keeps clear out by the garage. Another rustle. Close by. You feel that quick jolt to your stomach, a nice bolt of adrenaline. You quicken your pace and quickly hurl the trash into the can. Your heart is pounding, making it hard to hear the little sounds. You thought you heard something, but did you? Your breathing is so loud, you try to hold it, you hold it for a second to hear. It’s so dark outside. Wasn’t the night just peaceful? Now it’s so dark. You turn and start to hurry back to the safety of the house, another noise, something close. You speed your pace, trying to remain calm, but eager to return to safety. And then all of a sudden, your imagination whirls forth an image of what might be right behind you. A monster. A hideous, fanged beast with claws. Or a demon. A great devouring demon with his glowing eyes. Right. On. You. You break into a run. Running as fast as you can and as hard as you can. You’re afraid to look back. Your chest constricts and your lungs hurt. Your throat closes and you fight for every breath that pulls into your lungs.

Now as child, you reach the safety of your home, slam the door behind you, and you’re safe. The house is warm, there is no monster. And your brain reminds you how silly your imagination can be.


But you’re not a child. You have panic disorder, or anxiety.

And you run to the house, swing open the door, and see it’s full of monsters. Everywhere. Just within reach. And the demon is still behind you. And everyone is telling you to remain calm and to breathe. But there they are!! The demons and the monsters and EVERY FEAR YOU'VE EVER HAD!! And they’re pulling you down to the dark floor. And your own brain splits in half. The logical side is telling you everything is going to be ok, but the illogical side is telling you, you are going to die. And not in a silly, I ate too many cookies, or that work out was hard, I’m going to die. Literally you think you are dragging in your last breath. But you don’t even have the privilege of a last breath. You’re clutching your chest and sobbing and a deep sense of impending doom is suffocating any thought you have ever had. Your brain halves start to fight with each other. You are going to die here, on the floor with the monsters. Their claws pressing into your chest and curling around your throat.

And then you burst into tears. Tears pour down your face and your eyes close and can’t open. And suddenly a ragged sob catches and brings in a desperate breath. Begging words fall incoherently from your lips as you beg for help. Something is after you!! It’s inside you!! That monster, that demon. Your brain is still fighting with each other. And you just want it to be quiet so the monsters can’t hear it. But another sob comes and another. And your adrenaline is expressed to every end of every nerve and you start to shake.

And finally you force your eyes open. There are no monsters. You finally pull air into your chest and it expands. Your choking throat eases. The shaking stops and you collapse. You lay there, your eyes

opening and closing. Still not ready to trust the calm. Where did the demon go? Where did it come from? When will it be back? And everyone tells you not to ask those questions. You have to make yourself not be afraid. And you quietly whisper how hard you’re trying.

The calm settles a little more, and everything hurts. Your neck is sore, your throat is sore. Your chest is tight and your lungs don’t seem to know their proper function. You have to remind them what to do. The terrible episode ends. And you lay there. Tired. But you’re not allowed to be tired. You have to live!! There is work to be done, and children to be fed, and clothes to be washed.

Ever so slowly you rise up, and cautiously look around. No one else saw those monsters. No one knows your brain can’t get along with itself. You press your hand to your chest, to make sure it’s rising and falling. And you take a step away from the darkness. Back into the house. And hope the trash doesn’t need to go out for a while.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Clark County Fair 2015

Brent went with Ella's class and acquired Scarlet somewhere along the way!!
I came up a few hours later and we were there ALL day!!
It was long, but so fun!!
I love to see my girls excited!!
 Ella and her little friend Alexa.
She's a good little girl, and she helps Ella feel brave.
Sometimes she can be reluctant!!
 Scarlet wanted a turn.
 I told them to turn to the side so I could see their pretty paint!!
They look like they're getting mug shots.

 We met up with friends and cousins.
A group is always more fun!!
 Uncle Jed had a wrist band and Brent didn't, so Uncle Jed was a good sport and did slides and fun houses!!
He may be a little tall for fun houses!!
Elise looks like Scarlet is trying to strangle her.
Roller coaster

 Pig races

 NDOW exhibit
It was starting to get late and Scarlet was fading!!

 She was so excited to get a fish.
Until it came out of the tank!!
Both girls were able to catch one!!

 Scarlet thought this was Elmo and wanted to see him.
Until he tried to touch her.
She quickly retreated!!
But Ella at least gave him a high five!!

 She gave up.
I had to pack her out!!

 They loved these FREAKING expensive bubbles!!

 Scarlet loved the whales.

Ella wanted to ride the Ferris wheel, but kept going back and forth.
When all her cousins and friends decided to take a ride, she mustered her courage and went.
Daddy, Scarlet (who had no fear of this, but a fish was deadly) and Ella piled in and they LOVED it!!


Ella's ballet performance was at the fair on Friday.
She was a beautiful, graceful little dancer.
I was so proud of her.
I can't believe she is getting so big!!
 Two Ellas!!
 Ella and Jara before the show.
They wanted to pose!!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Egg Hunt #3

The final egg hunt!!
Alderete Family fun!!

We had such a great day!!

Happy Easter!! (Egg dye & Hunt #2)

Spring Break was glorious!!
I am so sad to see it end.
I can't wait until summer!!....
Summer the vacation.
Not summer the season.
 The girls were introduced to, and LOVED the pull out bed.
We had to put big giant puppy between them because Scarlet like to snuggle in her sleep.
And by snuggle, I mean use others as her pillows!!
Puppy was a barrier to keep Ella free of her octopus arms!!
 Dyeing our own eggs
 Our patio is very colorful now!!
 Daddy got to be home!!!
He had to take some days off clear back in February to make it possible!!
 Easter morning!!

 Even Molly came out!!

 Easter bunny brought SWORDS!!!
I now must remain in a state of constant awareness.

 It was a glorious morning.
The weather was beautiful and crisp.
We got to watch conference to remind us why we are celebrating the day in the first place.
I am so grateful for my Savior.
I'm so deeply grateful in my heart that He suffered for me,
died for me,
and then rose on the 3rd day.
I have so much to improve on, but I am grateful I am under His protection while I learn.
I am so grateful for my eternal family and that I have had the opportunity to find, and bring more of them to the gospel.
I am so grateful for my patient husband, and my beautiful little girls.
I am so happy to spend my life with them.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Egg Coloring and Hunt #1

The first of several egg coloring and egg hunts!!
 First with Grandma Bowler and Marshal cousins.
 So pretty!!
 Hunting with Marshal and Tingey cousins!!
Lots of little blond girls!!
 First discovery!!
 Very excited for trail mix!!
 And Pez dispensers!!
 Family fun!!
 Blowing bubbles!!
Here is one of many reasons I am so grateful for Scarlet's program,
she's interested in something.
She finds joy in something.
Something as simple as bubbles!!
 With one of her favorite uncles!!
He's the fun one!!
 Ella with her favorite find; Jerky!!
 They are always so happy and fun!!
My little beauties make holidays so much fun!!
I am so blessed to have these crazy little chickens!!