Description of Panic

If you have never had a panic attack, let me describe it for you.

Remember when you were a child, and you had to run the trash out to the big can outside? And it was winter so the sun set early? Everything was still and peaceful and nothing seemed wrong. Then, all of a sudden, you hear a snap, or a rustle. What was that sound? Trying to shake off the feeling of fear you continue out to the trash can, which your dad keeps clear out by the garage. Another rustle. Close by. You feel that quick jolt to your stomach, a nice bolt of adrenaline. You quicken your pace and quickly hurl the trash into the can. Your heart is pounding, making it hard to hear the little sounds. You thought you heard something, but did you? Your breathing is so loud, you try to hold it, you hold it for a second to hear. It’s so dark outside. Wasn’t the night just peaceful? Now it’s so dark. You turn and start to hurry back to the safety of the house, another noise, something close. You speed your pace, trying to remain calm, but eager to return to safety. And then all of a sudden, your imagination whirls forth an image of what might be right behind you. A monster. A hideous, fanged beast with claws. Or a demon. A great devouring demon with his glowing eyes. Right. On. You. You break into a run. Running as fast as you can and as hard as you can. You’re afraid to look back. Your chest constricts and your lungs hurt. Your throat closes and you fight for every breath that pulls into your lungs.

Now as child, you reach the safety of your home, slam the door behind you, and you’re safe. The house is warm, there is no monster. And your brain reminds you how silly your imagination can be.

 

But you’re not a child. You have panic disorder, or anxiety.

And you run to the house, swing open the door, and see it’s full of monsters. Everywhere. Just within reach. And the demon is still behind you. And everyone is telling you to remain calm and to breathe. But there they are!! The demons and the monsters and EVERY FEAR YOU'VE EVER HAD!! And they’re pulling you down to the dark floor. And your own brain splits in half. The logical side is telling you everything is going to be ok, but the illogical side is telling you, you are going to die. And not in a silly, I ate too many cookies, or that work out was hard, I’m going to die. Literally you think you are dragging in your last breath. But you don’t even have the privilege of a last breath. You’re clutching your chest and sobbing and a deep sense of impending doom is suffocating any thought you have ever had. Your brain halves start to fight with each other. You are going to die here, on the floor with the monsters. Their claws pressing into your chest and curling around your throat.

And then you burst into tears. Tears pour down your face and your eyes close and can’t open. And suddenly a ragged sob catches and brings in a desperate breath. Begging words fall incoherently from your lips as you beg for help. Something is after you!! It’s inside you!! That monster, that demon. Your brain is still fighting with each other. And you just want it to be quiet so the monsters can’t hear it. But another sob comes and another. And your adrenaline is expressed to every end of every nerve and you start to shake.

And finally you force your eyes open. There are no monsters. You finally pull air into your chest and it expands. Your choking throat eases. The shaking stops and you collapse. You lay there, your eyes

opening and closing. Still not ready to trust the calm. Where did the demon go? Where did it come from? When will it be back? And everyone tells you not to ask those questions. You have to make yourself not be afraid. And you quietly whisper how hard you’re trying.

The calm settles a little more, and everything hurts. Your neck is sore, your throat is sore. Your chest is tight and your lungs don’t seem to know their proper function. You have to remind them what to do. The terrible episode ends. And you lay there. Tired. But you’re not allowed to be tired. You have to live!! There is work to be done, and children to be fed, and clothes to be washed.

Ever so slowly you rise up, and cautiously look around. No one else saw those monsters. No one knows your brain can’t get along with itself. You press your hand to your chest, to make sure it’s rising and falling. And you take a step away from the darkness. Back into the house. And hope the trash doesn’t need to go out for a while.