Monday, August 29, 2011

Reflection


The last week has been so full of a hundred different things, I don't know how to start the list. Monday morning I was gutted like a fish, which did result in a brand new baby, so that helps the feeling. Didn't get to bring that baby home with me and have only held her twice. My head has been filled with numbers. Billirubin numbers. Oxygen saturation numbers. Kidney flow numbers. Weight numbers. Sleep apnea numbers and caffeine numbers. Scarlet has a respiratory therapist, a urologist, a physician, a nurse, and a charge nurse. Her little feet are riddled with heel sticks from blood work. She is covered in tubes. Feeding tube, catheter, 2 IVs, heart monitor, lung monitor. I have driven to Vegas every day and put gas in my Tahoe every other day. I now have all the streets between here and Sunrise hospital memorized. I know where all the bathrooms are in the hospital. I bought 2 preemie outfits for when we get to take her home, and have decided that it is unnatural for a baby to be able to fit inside a sleeper that small!!
I have cried at least twice every hour for one or more reasons. Not always sad ones. I can hum half the hymn book before I run out of songs I know. I miss my family. I miss my daughter, the one I happen to not be with at the time. My sister had a baby, and I can't believe it!! She was supposed to go first so I could have hers to play with for awhile!!
I haven't wanted to pray, because I only pray when I feel desperate and I don't want to feel like that. So I say my prayers like nothing is wrong, like I'm just ready for the day. (or night) Which is strange, because I asked for a blessing at least once a day the 4 days before Scarlet was born.
Good news is, although the last week has been full of some of the strongest turmoil I have ever had to experience, everything is going well. All those numbers are lowering. All those numbers are settling to where they are supposed to be. Scarlet is getting healthier. I feel less like a filleted fish and more like a human. I have never been so grateful for others in my whole life, or appreciated acts of kindness so much. I just want to sit down and sigh, and get through one day at a time.

5 comments:

ShEiLa said...

I think the roller coaster ride that YOU were strapped into... not of your own free will... will come to an end. Life will get back to normal... you will forget how to get to the hospital... and you will have all the snuggles you need from Scarlet. Until then... hold on to Miss Ella and Brent... and cuddle Joshlyn's new bundle.

Hugs to you!

ToOdLeS.

Meka said...

Aw Ashley, NICU is hard hard HARD! I will never forget the weird feeling when Parker was born and sooooo sick in the NICU. I was so happy to be a mom again but felt so overwhelmed! Juggling my time with two babies, one of them I couldn't even do anything for! It sucks to leave them there everyday! You have every right to feel the way you do because it is hard! Let me know if you ever need a place to hang out or a babysitter for Ella while you go to the hospital :) My number is 801-885-2719.

The Logue Family said...

hugs and prayers
xo

The Jones People said...

I am sorry for everything you are going through. I can't imagine all the different ways your heart strings are being pulled. You can do it!
If you would like I have a dozen or so sleepers/onsies in Preemie from Mekyla. You are more than welcome to have them.
Hang in there and know that there are many prayers being added to your own on behalf of you and your family.

Trent & Tara said...

Oh Ashley it sounds so hard what your going through. It's just a trial that will end soon and you will have her in your arms at homes soon. I pray all the time for my kids. I will pray for yours as well. Best of luck. Love ya