Happy Birthday to MEEEE!!!!

 I woke up to this!! Ella was first and the other 2 followed. Brent is the red lump on the right.

 Elise and Scarlet playing. Future best friends!

 Current best friends!! Ella skirt is a little big but I wanted one that matched Scarlet's. So yeah, her bum is falling out!!

28 years old. I have grey hair, varicose veins and (more) wrinkles to look forward too!! It's all down hill from here!! I no likee birthdays so much since I turned 25!!

Is It Ok...?

To think my baby is cute? I'm rational enough to realize she isn't the CUTEST baby ever, because I don't think there ever could be a CUTEST baby. What one person thinks is cute another may not agree. But I still think she is cute. Very cute. :)

Cuz how could nomming a foamy seahorse not be cute?!

Oh Scarlet, I love you.

Today was lame...and I loved it!!

Some days, I don't want to busy. I just want to watch a movie, or read, or play quietly. Anyone with children of any age knows these days are few and far between!! And today was one!! YAY!!

*I went to pilates and out instructor sadistically tortured us taught a really good class.

*I went to the grocery store BY MYSELF. Mothers every where know this is a zen experience.

*Ella and I went to the pool. I think we will be there often this summer. Girlfriend is a little fish!!

*We came home and baked cookies. I was so helicopter mom about letting her pour in all the ingredients, and then when it came time for the flour, she carefully and cautiously poured. I turned on the kitchen aid with a little too much vigor and sent a cloud of flour dust every where. Nice.

 Scarlet has to have 2 ounces of water with her medicine every night. She doesn't like plain water in a bottle, so I have to fill a medicine dropper and spray it down her throat. Today I decided it was time to try a sippy cup. I haven't tried, because honestly? I don't care!! She snatched it out of my hand, held it herself and drank from it like she had been for years!! Scarlet NEVER does anything with out a dedicated effort on my part, so I was thrilled!!

 As you probably noticed above, we spent the day in our swimming suits, or our pajamas!! Another favorite part of a lazy day!! For the record, I had on really cute, matchy Victoria Secret ones and Scarlet chose to projectile vomit on me. She never does that!! She laughed so wickedly afterward. I took it personal.

 I broke out my old barbies for Ella. They are such a mess I only pull them out once in a while. She was entertained ALL AFTERNOON!!! Please disregard naked Barbie. Ella really was in the process of clothing her!

 Ella wandered in during bath time and asked if she could get in with Scarlet. I've never done this before. Not because I'm concerned about it, their schedules are just different, so I've never needed to.

 They had so much fun!! Scarlet's favorite thing in the world is Ella!! She laughs at everything she does. They enjoyed a long soaked together.

AND FINALLY!! I am very easily pleased. Very simple things make me happy. My hall bathroom needed a new mat. The bathroom is done in pink and I couldn't find one I was willing to look at every day. But I found this at Target. It's big, and soft, and all loopy!! Every time I walked into that bathroom now I catch myself smiling at it!! I also bought new nail polish.

I'm glad we had a good day. A satisfying, relaxing, simple day!!

I DECLARE this the summer of.....

Being Denim Free!!!

As I have mentioned before, I suffer from reoccurring female infections. They are MOST uncomfortable, so to combat that problem, I went out and bought a summer wardrobe that is FREE of denim. Or pants for that matter!! I may have got a little excited at the sales and went a little overboard. I've been wearing all these new treats for almost 2 months now and I haven't gotten sick of it!! With so many months of heat left, I am convinced I will have plenty of time to enjoy them!!

 Maxi dresses

Skirts

This summer is also the summer of SWIMMING!!

I usually run every morning but I always give out by the end of July because it is just too hot. I decided to start water aerobics &/or lap swim every morning instead. It doesn't start until 7:30am, so that would be sleeping in for me. I usually have to be up at 6 to run, and it is STILL hot!!

It is also the summer of DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENTS. 

Scarlet starts her first physical therapy appointment on Friday. I am nervous about it and dreading it, but hopefully it will help her with her large motor skills.

She will also be going to a new urologist in August. I was very dissatisfied with her old urologist and his ghetto office in the 'hood in North Las Vegas. We found new doctors and moved all her records to St. George. I don't consider myself racist or prejudice in anyway, but I will be happy to among 'english as a first language/white/mormon' people again!! I'm sorry if that is offensive, but there is a huge difference in bedside manner when Las Vegas and St. George are compared.

I will also have some appointments of my own. I am going to see a specialist who is a leader in his field concerning reproductive malformation. We are going to discuss surgically correcting my uterine septation. It is actually a simple procedure and I'm excited to start seeing him!!

I intend on blogging more often, as it is freaking hot and there is nothing else to do!! So get excited about updates on all subjects mentioned!! Yay!!



Cousins are built in friends!!!

 Ella loves Jack and Jara so much!! And now that they are getting so big, play time is little to no work for me!! 

They happily splashed, played nice and complemented each other. It was so funny to hear them cheer each other on when they played "basketball".
I heard: That was great!!
It's ok you missed, try again!!
Here, I'll hold it still, then it will go in better!!

The bubble machine earned its keep!! They took turns trying to blast them with the hose. I don't think anyone was ever successful, but they had fun trying!!

I love my nieceeeeeees and nephews!!

Scarlet's Birth Story

I realized I had never shared Scarlet’s birth story, and there is a reason why. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to put out all those raw feelings for the world to judge and perhaps criticize. Scarlet was born 8 weeks premature. It was the most soul wrenching experience of my life, that I feel still effects my family today. People were unkind about her arrival into the world. I was accused of purposely having her at that time, of not opting for a vaginal birth, and of being lucky I didn’t have to ‘finish’ pregnancy. I was criticized for not nursing, for not spending enough time with her, for spending too much time with her, everything. It was a very difficult experience.

Now I would like to specify that I do not have what I like to call, “the preemie complex”. I describe this as an individual who is condescending towards other who hasn’t had to experience a premature child. I DO NOT think going a week after a due date is necessary or should be endured for the health of a baby. I DO NOT think induction is evil. I DO NOT think a schedule c section is evil. I DO NOT think it’s anybody’s business except yours and your doctors on how, when or where you choose to give birth. I DO NOT care if a late pregnant person complains about pregnancy. If I had ever made it to 38, 39, 40 weeks (heaven forbid later than that!) I would be complaining too!! As a matter of fact I complained when I was 36 weeks pregnant with Ella and had her 3 days later!! Just because my baby came into the world early does not mean I am a martyr suffering under a cross to bear. It happened. We’re doing our best to deal with it. Sometimes it's hard.

So on to my story!!

I went to my doctor’s appointment for 2 non stress tests on August 18^th and 19^th. I kept insisting that Scarlet wasn’t moving like she should. It felt like tiny flutters not good kicks. My placenta was anterior (on the front side) so I had a hard feeling her period. The doctor said the NST looked fine and she was just out of room and couldn’t move. I have a septated uterus so the baby only has half the space. But it just felt wrong. I called Brent on the way home sobbing. Something was just wrong. He kindly called the doctor and they had a nice chat. Dr. O told me to come in the next day, August 19^th to have a quick ultra sound.

I went to the doctor feeling foolish and like I had severely over reacted. I lay on the table and the nice ultra sound lady, Barb placed the wand on my belly. I saw a little face, a huge black spot, and two little feet. Barb gasped a little and began rapidly measuring and clicking and taking pictures. She looked at me with big eyes and said, “I’m going to go get the doctor.” She scampered out the door and within a few seconds had Dr. O at her side. His face was blank and grave and he had the appearance of wanting to remove expression until he knew more. The ultra sound revealed I had half the amount of required amniotic fluid and Scarlet’s bladder was swollen 10 times the normal size, and was filling her entire diaphragm.

I was admitted to Mesa View Hospital and pumped full of fluids for 24 hours. She needed to evacuate her bladder, and fill the amniotic sack back up.

It didn’t work.

Dr. O sent me to Sunrise hospital to have my specialist evaluate what came next. I went home, packed a bag, clung to Ella for a moment and was on my way. At about Apex I started having contractions and they grew more and more intense as we neared the hospital. I had this dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach that has preceded many unpleasant occasions in my life and did not find it reassuring. I walked into Sunrise and had a horrible, overwhelming feeling that I was coming here to die. I stopped in the low ceilinged, narrow hallway and felt my heart pound. I was coming here for a terrible reason. I didn’t want to.

To shorten my saga, I waited until Monday morning to have a c section. I did not want a c section and did not choose to have one. Scarlet was frank breech. She was folded in half with her feet by her face and bottom down. She couldn’t turn to be born vaginally. They measured my amniotic fluid one last time, and there wasn’t any.

My lovely nurse Mia got my IV going and they wheeled me into surgery.  I was silently crying and admitted ot her I was afraid that I was afraid either me or my baby was going to die. She stopped what she was doing, took my hand and smiled. "Your baby is not going to die. You need her."

They put a drape up so I couldn’t see myself being cut into, but I could see my wonderful specialist face. He gave me the play by play of what he was doing and then he said, “And she’s out.”

He lifted her face over the drape for a brief second. She was bloody, and swollen and so ugly. The neonatal team swarmed to her and snatched her away and I could hear these pitiful little cries. Her legs were still bent in half and one was crooked from the way she was laying. They tied her down on the table and started sticking tubes in everything. I could feel my numb abdomen jerk as Dr. W and his assisting physician was stitching and stapling me closed.

They brought her to Brent and he placed her by my face. Her skin was swollen and bloated from having no fluid to sit in and the color was red from being too early. Everything was too skinny except her grotesque stomach. It was painfully stretched and had signs of bearing stretch marks from the skin being pulled too tight so quickly. She had a squashed, bent nose, swollen eyes, and feet about 2 inches long.

My heart broke when she looked at me and pitifully mewled a tiny, helpless cry. I touched her rough, dry cheek and the nurse told me to give her kiss and then whisked her away. She was put into a mobile, climate controlled pod and I didn’t see her for 2 days. I didn’t get to hold her for a week. And even then it was only if I threw a fit or cried for the nurse. And some of those heartless bitches wouldn’t even let me have her then.

I feel cheated out of Scarlet’s birth. I didn’t feel her move until 20 weeks, she never moved well, and then she stopped moving at 30 weeks. I didn’t get to go into labor and push her out and hear her cries and feel joy. I felt fear. I felt heart break. I felt pain.

So here is her birth story. Not the one we wanted, but the one we got.  

But here is my baby, and she is more than just what I got. She is the one I wanted. She is a choice spirit that chose me, and I her. And regardless of how hard the journey has been for us, and how much more we have ahead of us, we need each other.

Why I Love Brent

On a regular basis my beloved husband either annoys, frustrates or infuriates me. He's a total slob. He "can't" ever hear me. He is just such a man. He drives me crazy!!
But regardless of all those things that make me batty, Brent is a good person. He does not feel put out to watch his own children. He never cares when I spend money like I have it. He lets me do whatever I want. Brent and I see eye to eye on most subjects and he supports me when I make decisions regarding our children. He always thinks I'm pretty, even when I am 30 pounds too heavy or my skin is horribly broke out. He gets up with our kids when I get a bad nights sleep, even if he has to work that day. He lets me take naps, on the rare occasion I take one. He doesn't spend all his spare time out of the house or playing with his friends. He never thinks I'm selfish. He acknowledges that I work hard as a mother and wife and he appreciates it. He doesn't feel like his life ended with the obligation of family. And today we had a conversation that I will treasure forever.
Ashley: Brent, I just don't think I want anymore children. Pregnancy is so hard for more than one reason and I don't know if I can do it again! I feel satisfied with our little family.
Brent: It is. It's getting to the point it's a threat to your health.
Ashley: I'm ok with having only 2 children. Are you?
Brent: Absolutely
Ashley: Even if they are girls?
Brent: (blank stare)
Ashley: Will you be disappointed with only 2 girls? It seems important for men to have a son.
Brent: You and my 2 beautiful girls could NEVER disappoint me. You are everything that matters. This little house is ours. Or in 27 years it will be ours! Our ugly yard with the flower beds is ours. The fat cat is ours. Those 2 little girls are beautiful and smart and we work hard for them. You and Ella and Scarlet will NEVER disappoint me. You're my life.

And that is why I love Brent. Because no matter how crazy I am, or how crazy our life is. I will never disappoint him. And he genuinely means it.