I was hesitant to write this because it seems like
every time I check a blog lately, I’m treated to someone patting themselves on
the back. That’s great for them and all, but sometimes I just roll my eyes. I
hate….maybe hate is a strong word…. I strongly dislike……constant bragging. When
I read a success story and that person tells everyone that if they would just
try, and worked hard, and ate right, they could lose weight too. If they don’t
then they just aren’t trying hard enough. That always brings a scoff to my
lips!! Cuz let me tell you what!! I try VERY hard. I am comfortable in saying I
probably try harder than the average person, and it IS NOT EASY. I can do what
everyone else does and it isn’t effective for me. And I know I’m not alone.
So that is why I’m writing my ‘success story’.
Because I want everyone out there who just couldn’t take another day of damn
vegetables, or who cried themselves to sleep at night because they were so
hungry, or who had to sit and watch their friends and family eat cake in front
of them, or who eats less than their thin friends but is still bigger, to know
that it is HARD. It is hard, and it doesn’t work the same way for everyone, and
that SUCKS. It’s frustrating, and emotional. And guess what? I can’t even say
to never give up. I’m sorry, I can’t!! I have given up many times. I have come
home from running with legs that are aching so badly, tears are in my eyes, and
I have thrown my running shoes in the closet and left them there for weeks.
I recently went to a Pilates class. (which by the
way, I love) I was feeling discouraged that day anyway, so I was already set up
for negative feelings!! I sat down and we all started our work out. I began to
look around and realized, of the other 6 women in the class, I was the BIGGEST
one. Every. Single. Women. Was a size 2 or less. I asked myself, how am I ever
going to measure up to that? I can work as hard as I can but I am NEVER going
to have legs so thin they don’t touch!!
I finished my class, went home, cried my eyes out
and ate icecream.
Now there is good news to this story. I woke up the
next morning and went for a walk with my mom. I related my despair to her with
much swearing and grinding of teeth. But as I said it out loud, I realized
something; my legs are NEVER going to NOT touch each other. But this time, I
realized, that was ok. Because MY body is just NOT built that way. I had found
my inner peace. It took a LONG time for this to somehow click into to place. And
it was NEVER going to click into place until I was ready for it. So a few days later, I went back to Pilates. I laughed
with my friends and I was happy that they were there to improve themselves.
Would I force feed them brownies on a bad day? Yep. But that’s a whole
different story.
I don’t do crazy cleanses or cut out sugar or carbs.
Because guess what? I LOVE SUGAR AND CARBS AND I WILL NEVER EVER GIVE THEM UP.
I won’t because I LOVE them and I don’t want to!! I probably could for a small
amount of time, but I will never do it permanently.
AND I love red meat and potatoes.
Good news is: I also love fruits and vegetables. I
do not like soda.
In conclusion, after 10 months of hard work, I have
officially lost my baby weight. I lost 30 pounds. I had lost 27 pounds as of
June 18th, snapped after having not lost a SINGLE POUND SINCE APRIL,
and went on an eating binge/ scathing exercise protest for 2 months, and gained
half it back and had to start over in August. (Holy run on sentence! Hey, I ain’t
no English major!)
I am very happy to be at this place. I am happy my
clothes fit. I’m happy I’m not uncomfortable or even more insecure than I
already am!! Were all those damn miles I ran worth it? I can’t with complete confirmation
say yes. I can say that I’m glad they were effective. I’m glad they made me
feel better. But in all honesty, if I didn’t have to run, I wouldn’t. It hurts.
It’s hard. It’s either cold or hot. It takes time. Time away from my family and
my home. But I am grateful that I have a functioning body that is, for the most
part, healthy. I’m grateful for my husband, who gets rousted from his sleep so
I can get out before it’s too hot to go. I’m grateful for support and kindness.
I would like to tell everyone out there who is
frustrated, and discouraged, and angry-
Power on sister!!
Hate those skinny
bitches!! Hate nasty diet food!! Hate weight watchers!! Throw those stupid
shoes and refuse with righteous indignation to not go to class for a night!! Give
up for a day or a week. I do not suggest any longer than that, as I can attest to
you the work is only that much harder. But don’t quit.
We are out here!! We are discouraged and
frustrated!! We understand and we will listen!! We will hate with you!! Roll
your eyes at that stupid girl!!
Celebrate success!! Even if success is “I only ate
10 cookies instead of 20!!” or “I walk down the chip aisle at Lin’s and I did
not buy anything” or “I went for a walk today when I really didn’t want to.”
But most
importantly: find your inner peace. It is HARD to find inner peace. HARD. And
no one can do it for you, or make you do it. And some times that inner peace
leaves or gets lost. Find it again. Find it and hold on to it a little bit longer this time.
"I have missed over 9000 shots in my career. I
have lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I have been trusted to take the game
winning shot and missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life.
And that is why I succeed." Michael Jordan
