Being in my child bearing years, I am constantly surrounded by women who have just given birth, are about to give birth or who are contemplating when to next give birth. A few of my friends are all finished and some have just begun. It makes me wonder what catagory I belong in. Am I all finished or have I just begun?
Ella was an extremly hard baby. She had reflux so bad she would cry any minute she was awake and not being held upright. She didn't sleep and ate poorly. When she finally made it to a year life got a little better. She's good now, she's just a very energetic little thing!
Scarlet's birth and the first month of her life was tramatizing. When she was still sitting in the NICU with no end in sight, the phrase I hated the most was, "Oh my baby was there for only a few hours, and I just about died!!" Really? You just about died? That is almost exactly what I'm going through!! Thanks for the sympathy! (Insert sarcasm here.) Or even better were the people who tried to make my experience all about them. "I had Braxton Hicks at 36 weeks and rushed to the doctor cuz I heard about what happened with you and I was so scared!!" That's terrible. I'm so sorry you were in such danger. (More sarcasm)
Scarlet is a few days away from 6 months now and the lingering question of "when, where, if" of another child lurks in the shadows of my mind. I think it does for every women. I think any women who can still physically have children has that shadow whispering questions to her.
Scarlet went to the urologist on Friday. She was supposed to have a catheter inserted, and dye ran through her bladder to see if her kidneys were refluxing urine back into them. Her parts down there are all messed up from her problems at birth and after an hour of her screaming her head off they were unable to do the test because they couldn't get the catheter in. She got so upset and it hurt so badly she vomitted for hours. Saturday morning she woke up with blood in her urine and it's still happening. Tomorrow we are back to the urologist to see what's going on.
I wonder who I sue? The doctor for not making sure the team doing the tests knew what was going on? Or the team for doing such a poor job?
So back to my original question. Do I want another child? Do I want to do this again? At this point. And at this time.
No.
Because never in my life have I know such fear, and stress, and heartache.
*And for the love of all that is good and holy DO NOT tell me God has a plan for me. I have about had it with that phrase too.
6 comments:
I'm so sorry, Ashley.I really cant imagine all the heart-ache you've gone through. I pray for your little baby's health and your sanity. I dont know what its like to have a "sick" child, but can only imagine the stress. I stress out about a runny nose... All I can say is i'm sorry :(
oh but ashley, God does have a plan for you! (sorry, i couldn't resist!).
poor little scarlet. hope she feels better soon.
Miss Ashley...
Nobody can make that decision for you... it's up to you and Brent. However, I have a young friend that after having 2 difficult pregnancies and problems with her boys opted to be all done. She had to fight with her doctor about making it permanent but I was so proud.
You will do what is right for you.
Hugs from Indiana... I have been here for two weeks visiting Celestial and Elijah... but I fly home tomorrow. :(
ToOdLeS.
I am in the same boat right now, wanting/knowing if there are more kids in my future. Being a mommy is the hardest/most important job. Having 2 kills me, and stresses me out so much. I think the hardest part is your always going through stuff you didn't expect. I think when/if the time is right for you to have another one you will know.
I truly love your posts because they are so genuine. Thank you for being so real. I hope that in a few years you will look back on Scarlet's struggle and feel stronger because of it, but i know, as of now, it just sucks. Hang in there.
I didn't realize Robbie was logged in not me, that last one was really me. :)))
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