Today I am officially 6 weeks post op from my surgery.
The last 6 weeks have been a slow blur.
The days were long, boring and slow.
And they were are a mottled blur.
I am having a hard time finding the words to describe the whole experience.
Awful?
Exhausting?
Emotional?
A hysterectomy, alone, will cause a chaotic swing in hormones,
but with my special circumstances (malformed uterus)
they have been especially unbalanced.
Frankly, I feel like a crazy person!!
All that I feared manifested before me and I can not say I handled any of it with grace or dignity.
There were many days (more than I would like to admit) spent laying in my bed,
eating all the sugar with in my reach,
and if it was not with in my reach,
I sent Brent for it.
I wept for what I had lost and all that I felt.
I have also come to learn,
that when the world asks "How are you?"
They don't really want to know how you really are,
they want to hear "I'm good!!"
And if you do not answer, "I'm good!!"
They will push until an acceptable answer is given.
"At least it's been a week/month!!"
"But your on the mend!!"
"It could be worse!!"
And I, being a negative yet honest person, does not like lying.
I finally resorted to, "Awful. But better."
Because I felt/feel awful.
No, my life is not awful. I have a lovely family, a cute home, an obedient dog.
But a hysterectomy comes with some crappy stuff!!
I have 'pregnancy mask'. Brown spots spontaneously all over my face.
Lovely.
I gained about 8 pounds.
And do you know what happens to muscles, especially abs,
when they go from working 5-6-7 days a weeks to NOTHING?!
Picture a can of biscuit dough.
Gross?
Have that be your abs!!
Add to all those facts what has been lovingly coined as 'swelly belly'.
During surgery they pump you full of gas to expand your stomach so they have room to work around all your other organs.
Then they seal you up.
The gas has no where to go and has to just dissipate all on its own.
And there is NO. WAY. TO. HELP. IT.
4 weeks post op.
This was the night a lady from our neighborhood, on her daily walk, saw me standing in the driveway as Brent brought in the trash.
"Oh!! Are you pregnant too?!"
Definitely NOT pregnant.
I shook my head and replied, without the snarl I wanted to include,
"Nope!!"
She had the decency to look properly ashamed and sputtered for a second before she gave up and power walked away.
Now, I will grant her that I am extremely sensitive and moody,
so I will not go burn her house down
Thankfully, the swelling is down, almost all the way, I think.
I'm pretty sure any puffiness I have right now is due to over indulgence in sweets instead of gas.
I don't know why I can't find comfort in carrots!!!
So!!
After that bitter, nasty diatribe,
I will admit,
I am feeling better.
My physical limitations are slowly being removed,
and before I know it,
I'll be back to bitching about Autumn and how she wasn't loved enough as a child.
My stomach still gets sore,
I'm still tired and worn out easy.
On average I need 6-7 hours of sleep at night.
I get up really early because I like it.
I like the peaceful dark,
and the dawn of a new day.
But now!! I sleep easily 10 hours a night!!
3 days after my surgery I slept for 20 hours!!
Not in a row, mind you, but I had done too much the day before,
like talk or watch TV or go to the bathroom,
and exhausted myself.
I would wake up long enough to eat, take pain meds, and go back to sleep.
My emotions are still in the red zone,
but not nearly as intense as they were.
Imagine the WORST pms you've ever had,
times a hundred.
I apologize for my bitter, negative energy.
For anyone who actually read this whole post, leave a comment and I'll bake you cookie,
because you are a true friend.
I AM feeling better and I can't wait to get back to my normal self.
But not just my normal self,
a BETTER normal.
That is why I had this surgery,
to have a better quality of life.
I don't want to have it all wasted because my attitude bogs down into the quagmire
of bitterness, regret, and jealousy.
Tomorrow is my post op appointment and the beginning of more than a new day!!
It is the beginning of a new chapter!!
A better normal.
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